*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
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College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca