*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
School be like
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out