*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.


I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”


I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.


Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)


“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession


Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.


Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?


Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.


Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.


If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.