[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I thought this was funny lol
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
just pretend nothing happened
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
This is my bus stop.