*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“what’s it like having a sister?”