*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret