*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.