Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Sometimes? I’m slipping
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)