Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

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Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.


are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]


The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.


ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?


People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.


Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends


this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this


Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?


Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!


It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.