Britain be like
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.