britain’s three elite institutions
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Breaking news:
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.