British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*Seductively hides in the woods