british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.