British people be like I’m Bri ish
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
A dad and his duck
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
We all have our pet causes.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now