British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… đ
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg whatâs his name
Me: I donât know he wonât tell us
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
God: youâre a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: Iâm sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, donât team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Iâm in your fridge late at night like this!
âHeâs probably more afraid of you than you are of him,â I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
You can break your toddlerâs heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the catâs food so now he doesnât get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out âshoesâ
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Donât mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
If my yogurt drink which included âbillions of live and active culturesâ expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in thereâŚ
If youâve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you