BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Message from the dog groomers
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what