British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
bugs when you lift up a rock
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
#growingpains
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”