BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
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“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.