“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness