BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
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All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity