BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

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Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?


I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.


I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal


If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.


My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.


Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.


Itโ€™s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.


It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.


Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…๐Ÿ•๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ˜…


ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT