@ElKnuckelhombre Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
@CallousBalzac BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
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@ElKnuckelhombre 
@IamJackBoot I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
@rocknthepurple I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
@ericsshadow If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
@MomofTeen My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
@ShootyDoody Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
@daddygofish Itโs embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
@Mardigroan It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
@Yoda4ever Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…๐๐พ๐
@ristolable ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT