“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
🍛
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!