Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.