“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
WTF IS THAT!
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena