Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks