“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.