Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
You Might Also Like
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.