BRO LMFAO
You Might Also Like
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Pretty much. 🤣
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.