bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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twitter users today:
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.