Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Does it…does it take 3 days
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
🥶🥶🐶🐶