bro what is going on at twitter
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
British websites use biscuits.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.