broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.