Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
You Might Also Like
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
This is hilarious….
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.