Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
You Might Also Like
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Think I pulled my liver
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.