Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My time has come.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents