BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.