Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
You Might Also Like
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
This kid is a star!
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.