Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?