Broom by every window for quick escape.
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot