Broom by every window for quick escape.
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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Krampus.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented