Bros before Ohioes
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN