bros in the example zone 😭
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nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s