Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
#Caturday
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.