Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.


I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe


My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.


Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.


When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.


[first day in the Coast Guard]


Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.