@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

@bea_ker

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@ElitatheLibra

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

@Spaziotwat

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

@DavidKlein5

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

@chrisdowning

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

@NewDadNotes

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.