@ScottLinnen Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
@BuckyIsotope Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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@ScottLinnen 
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
@bea_ker I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
@MarfSalvador [firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
@ElitatheLibra Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
@Spaziotwat My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
@DavidKlein5 Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
@MichaelJErhart *Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
@chrisdowning When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
@NewDadNotes [first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.