Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid