brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise