Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Netflix and you sit over there.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Always 🥴
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on