Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Cake!!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear