Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I need better friends
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Google Pay be like:
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”