[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Ghost costume 😂
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.