Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Was it something I said?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.