Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last