Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her


the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now


*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*


bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination


“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!


ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*


If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.


I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.


The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.