@Home_Halfway
@DocBrown21 My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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@DocBrown21 
@dril the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
@OtherDanOBrien *Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
@MNateShyamalan bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
@StumblerTop What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
@freedomtosee “If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
@twelveyearsold ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
@JasonLastname If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
@Carter_TCB I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
@TrueQuixote The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.