Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
we’re gonna need another temp
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Found the job I’m suited for
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex