Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

The 4 stages of a family vacation

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.