Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.