Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
no one likes gloating
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!